So for the first time I am seriously considering breaking my 25 year cannabis relationship. I am 10 days in and still on track.
I am considerably more on edge/stressed but at the same time I also feel more energized and motivated to be more productive. Basically I just feel that if I want to evolve and achieve various goals and dreams in life I need to climb out of the habit. Both my kids have recently expressed extreme disappointment catching me blazing, and that kind of hurt. In-laws are gonna be living with us for a while and I also don't want them seeing me hitting spliffs every few hours. Also I am trying to hit some new levels professionally, as well as preparing to launch/pitch my big personal creative dream (my screenplay trilogy), and I have had a gnawing feeling that if I can quit I'll have better luck/fortune in this dept and things will start to open up better for me. I also think it will improve my BJJ (Brown belt at my club I admire says he quit too several years ago and he's much better in life for it. Last night I was stressing pretty bad and was a beast on the mats like I've never been before, lol)
All in all for the first time I have more reasons to quit than not to. I've heard that when making a change like this, psychologically it works better to move TOWARDS something, rather than AWAY from something (if that makes sense), and for the first time I can see a fuzzy image of who I might become without the herbs, and I feel excited/drawn to move towards it.
This is huge because I REALLY love the weed, its been a big part of me for many many years. It was the one caveat when I got married, I told her up front she can never ask me to quit or nag me about it. She has honored this but I know she had always secretly thought I'd be better without. ALL my habits and patterns will have to change; how I start my day, how I deal with stress, how I fuel myself through work shifts, how I get creative, lifedrawing, spending free time, etc etc etc. I think it will be tough, I've already had to push through some serious jonesing moments but made it through and feel pretty good.
Its scary but its the first time I actually feel like its possible, like I've made it over a crucial psychological line. Like I'm entering a whole new phase i life.
Will I make it? Will I stumble along the way? Time will tell. I have thought about managing my habit before but I've never quite felt this way about it before, its scary but kind of inspiring too.
Tough stuff, yo
